


My Life Spent For You

by Fangirlyra



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Death, Kili whump, Kinkmeme, M/M, misscariage
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-05
Updated: 2013-02-05
Packaged: 2017-11-28 08:01:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,272
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/672107
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fangirlyra/pseuds/Fangirlyra
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kili miscarries the baby of his dead lover.</p>
            </blockquote>





	My Life Spent For You

**Author's Note:**

> For [this prompt](http://hobbit-kink.livejournal.com/3651.html?thread=6939459#t6939459) on KinkMeme.
> 
> Unbetaed.

It was a terrible battle. Kili tried his best to kill as many opponents as possible with his arrows. But even though the young dwarf had never seen battle before he could see that they were quickly pushed back, there were just so many of them and so few of us.

Kili almost ran out of arrows so he tried to pluck some out of dead orcs and goblins to reuse them. It was then a rock came hurtling towards him, Kili managed to evade it but he lost his balance and fell backwards. He felt his head hitting something hard.

“KILI!” he heard someone shouting but he didn’t have the chance to see who it was for he had lost his consciousness.

When Kili came into himself he felt familiar warmth around him.  It was odd because winter was close and the air was supposed to be cold. Kili opened his eyes to find a pair of bright eyes staring down at him,

“Welcome back lad,” said Dwalin.

Kili suddenly became aware of his surroundings. It was eerily silent; he was still lying on the ground where he fell and Dwalin… Dwalin had hunched over him, shielding him with his own body.

“Th-the battle?” asked Kili.

“Eagles…and skin-changers…came to our aid. It’s over…we’ve won,” said Dwalin but his breath had became short and ragged.

Kili felt a warm liquid trickled down and pooled on him. He touched it and he saw his hand was covered in blood. His eyes widen in horror when he figured out where it was _from_ for he was unharmed.

“Dwalin! Dwalin you’re hurt!! We should move! We should find help for you!!” Kili almost sobbed to the dwarf above him.

He tried to move but Dwalin’s much bigger frame trapped him on the ground.

“S-sorry lad…can’t move…. C-can barely feel my limbs…”

“NO! Stay with me!!” cried Kili. Tears were staining his cheeks, his voice broken, “You promised! You promised we’ll be fine…you said we’ll make a life for us here…”

Dwalin gently touched his forehead to Kili’s,

“Live for me,” he whispered with his last breath.

“No Dwalin…NO!”

Kili clung to Dwalin’s unmoving body and wept, wailing pleas for Dwalin to open his eyes, to say something, to _come back to him._ But Dwalin stayed still, his eyes closed, and his face set in grim acceptance, never to smile again.

That was how the others found them, Dwalin with many poisoned arrows and broken spears piercing his back and a weeping Kili clinging on his front. Fili slowly coaxed his brother to let go and Thorin carefully moved Dwalin’s body instructing a few other dwarves to carry him back to the camp.

“Kee, can you stand?” asked Fili.

Kili just nodded, he took Fili’s hand and stood up slowly. They walked in silence through the battlefield, devastation on their steps and sorrow clung like a thick fog on the air. Kili saw Balin rushed to his brother’s body as they arrived on the camp, he saw Balin broke down as he realized there were no life on his brother anymore. Kili felt a sharp pang on his chest, _it was his fault that Dwalin died._

Before he knew it, his feet had brought him beside Balin. He bowed his head,

“He died so I lived,” said Kili, “I’m sorry…”

Balin looked at him straight in the eyes, his expression soft.

“I don’t blame you laddie… He had decided to spend his life for you long ago, I’m sorry that it had to be this way…” said Balin.

Kili just stared blankly at Balin, _Why doesn’t he blame me? Even I blame myself! If only I didn’t fall, if only I was a better fighter, if only…_

A hand on his shoulder snapped him out of his reverie,

“Come on Kee… we need to get your head looked at,” said Fili.

Kili let himself led by Fili to the healing tent. He passed Bofur and Bombur who was sobbing over Bifur, Bilbo stood close and pressing his hand on Bofur’s shoulder. He was seated as soon as they entered the tent. He barely heard Oin fussing about his injury ash he was cleaning it, he barely felt any of the prodding. He felt nothing, he felt empty, and he felt numb.

\------

Days past, the wound on his head was healing nicely but the wound on his heart did not. Kili shut himself in his room, he barely talk and barely slept, he didn’t eat much but he was often sick, vomiting nothing but bile. He felt exhausted even though he didn’t do anything, his face became ashen, and there were dark circle around his eyes,

“Please Kee…you have to stop this,” said Fili one day.

If it was anyone else Kili would just shrugged and said he was fine. But this was Fili, so he told him the truth,

“I don’t know how, Fee…”

Fili’s expression became unreadable.

“Let’s take a walk outside. It is snowing lightly. You’ve always loved snow didn’t you Kee?” said Fili.

Kili didn’t answer.

“Please, for me?”

Finally Kili gave a small nod,

“Okay…”

The air was cold and everything was dusted with white flurries outside. It was a view he had never seen before, the Lonely Mountain blanketed in white. Kili looked up and let the snowflakes dropped on his face, he did love snow. As the cold snow touched his face Kili felt a knot inside him began to undo. He felt warmth grew inside him making him feeling lightheaded, his vision began to blur and he closed his eyes.

When he opened his eyes he was not outside, he was inside his room with Fili hovering over him and Thorin conversing with a healer in distressed voice,

“Hey, baby brother…” said Fili as soon as he saw Kili’s eyes opened.

“What happened?” asked Kili.

“You had a fainting spell,” said Thorin.

“Huh,” he didn’t even realize he had fainted.

The healer tutted,

“You should eat more, laddie! And rest more too! It’s not good to be so distressed in your condition,” said he.

Kili looked down, he had been neglecting his needs for everything seemed to be pointless. But Dwalin had asked him to _live,_ so he must try. Then the healer’s words caught up with him,

“What do you mean by my condition? Is there something wrong with me?” he asked.

The room went silent. The healer looked at Thorin who in turn was exchanging looks with Fili. Thorin heaved a sigh and sat on the bed beside him,

“Kili,” said Thorin gravely, “You knew that sometimes the male in the line of Durin can bear child right?”

Kili nodded, wondering what it had to do with him. _Unless…_

“You are with child, Kili,” said Thorin confirming his thought.

He was with child. _Dwalin’s_ child was growing inside him.

“Is it fine? Is it healthy?” asked Kili.

“I can’t tell much at this state, laddie. But aye everything seemed to be proper, around a month and half if I was not mistaken.”

Kilie looked down and put his hands on his stomach. He didn’t feel anything different but it was _there._ Kili felt a surge of emotions inside him and his tears fell,

“I will live,” he whispered, “I will live for you…”

\------

Weeks passed, and Kili was better. He was not entirely fine but he was better, he interacted with other members of the company, he forced himself to eat regularly, and sometimes he would talk about Dwalin with his unborn child. It was painful at first but Kili found that it helped with his grief.

It was mid winter and Kili was in his room, he touched his stomach under his tunic. He was not showing yet but he could feel a firmness on his stomach,

“I hope you’ll have Dwalin’s nose…it was much better than mine!” he chuckled.

“Or his eyes, he had the brightest eyes I’ve ever seen you know…”

Right than he felt a flutter in his stomach, like a heartburn but not quite. Fili entered his room finding him staring at his stomach in disbelief,

“Kee? Is there something wrong?”

“I think…the baby just moved…” answered Kili, still struck in awe.

Fili pulled him into an embrace, hugging him tight.

“I’m so happy for you Kee…”

Kili hugged his brother back. It has been so long since he felt like this, the feeling of content with a bit of excitement. Kili felt like he could take anything right now.

“What did you came here for?” asked Kili when they finally pulled apart.

“Mother has arrived,” Fili smiled, “Come with me and greet her at the gate?”

Kili’s smile got wider, he took his coat and followed his brother outside. In the courtyard there were many dwarves that just arrived from the Blue Mountains. It was a crowd of people unpacking their carts and ponies, greeting their family and friends who had arrived earlier.

Kili spotted his mother talking to Dori in the middle of the courtyard. He smiled and jogged towards them. He was halfway there when someone shouted,

“LOOK OUT!”

Kili turned to see a spooked pony ran towards him. He tried to move but it was too late, the pony charged him and he was thrown into a wall. His back and stomach exploded in pain and felt something warm bloomed on his thigh.

_No! Please no!_ Kili thought as another wave of pain hit him, _I can’t lose you too…_ He could see Fili and his mother, and several other dwarves rushed toward him. Kili screamed as an extreme pain wrecked his body and he blacked out.

Kili woke up to see his family surrounding him. He felt like his whole body just been run through by a cart. He frantically looked up to Fili, and found grief in his eyes. Fili shook his head slowly and averted his gaze and once again Kili’s world came crushing down on him. Dis broke down and enveloped him in a crushing hug,  
  
“My baby…my poor baby…” sobbed his mother.

But this time Kili did not cry, he did not weep, he did not wail, he did not scream. In fact he did  _nothing_ , he just stared at the ceiling with empty eyes. There will be no song sung for his child and there will be no heroic deeds for the dwarves to remember him by, or beautiful crafts to pass on through the ages. _It didn’t even have a name_ , Kili thought bitterly.

\------

Months passed and Kili stayed silent in his room. His mother almost never left his side, chattering to him about Erebor’s current news but Kili never replied. If his mother wasn’t there Fili or Thorin will be there, they never left him alone for they were afraid he would do something hasty. Fili would try to do something funny to get response from him but Kili just stared at him blankly and Thorin would just sit down on his side casting worried look at him.

They all knew why he wasn’t getting better but none of them would say it out loud. The reason was simple, it was because _he didn’t want to_.

Until one day Kili woke up and found Fili asleep on the chair beside his bed, he was still in his royal garments and exhaustion creased his face.  Kili remembered his mother’s words a few weeks back,

_“Fili and Thorin were having an argument. Thorin wants to appoint another member to the court and Fili refused. He was still waiting for you, Kili...”_

Kili touched a crease on his brother’s brow. _It was because of me, Fili was so exhausted because he was doing my duties along with his._ He traced his brother hairline and a determination formed inside him, he would not let Fili be dragged down with him. So when his mother entered his room that day Kili spoke,

“Mother,” he said, “I will attend court today.”

Dis dropped the tray she was holding when he heard Kili’s voice for the first time in many months. The crash woke Fili up in alarm, he jumped up and drew his sword frantically looking for the threat. But there was no threat, only a broken tray on the floor and his mother hugging Kili and saying,

“Yes. Yes. Whatever you want.”

Kili locked eye with his brother whose face was still coloured with confusion,

“Fee...” that’s all he managed to say. But that’s all he needed to say. Fili dropped his sword and joined the hug.

So Kili spoke again and he quickly immersed himself in his duties. When the need arise Kili would smile and laugh but neither of them would reached his eyes. The others noticed this but they did not speak of it. Kili would heard people whispered when they thought he couldn’t heard them,

“So young yet he had lost so much,” they would say.

Sometimes Kili would stand on the wall, looking down on the rocks with a forlorn feeling. He pondered what would it like to crash down on them. Will it hurt? Will death come quickly? Or slowly and agonizing as he lay broken on them?

But more than anyone, Kili knew he wouldn’t do it. Not because he was scared, nor because he thought of the others he would leave behind, but only because Dwalin had asked him to live. So Kili lived bitterly for another hundred and seventy years until finally he was reunited with his lover and his child in the Halls of Mandos.


End file.
